Nobody Can Cool (2013) Movie Review

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Sometimes it’s really great to know people who can get free movie screeners and let us commoners review them (Son of Ghostman blew me away!). But other times, I’m less than impressed with the film that is offered.

Nobody Can Cool is written, produced, and directed by Dypx (Marcy Boyle and Rachel Holzman). It starts off with a young couple, Susan and David, on their way to a friend’s remote cabin so they can have a romantic weekend. Unfortunately, they’re lost and fighting. I should specify that Susan is irritated while driving and David is on the phone with work being extremely NOT helpful.

When they finally find the place, they walk in on another couple having sex on the living room couch. Len and Gigi explain they wouldn’t even be there if they hadn’t crashed their car on the rickety road and were just waiting for a ride. Susan suggests she and David go find a hotel but when they want to call one, there’s no cell service (this IS my shocked face). Len says they might as well stay. Gigi is obviously pissed but all agree.

At some point in the night, Susan is awoken by what sounds like a car. She discovers she and David are locked IN their room. They argue some more about staying put. Well, nuts to that, says she and sneaks out the bedroom window to the front porch. And that’s when things go awry. Turns out Len and Gigi are some kind of criminals. Gigi’s cousin, Tommy, was shot at some point during their break-in and his brother, Mo, is supposed to be back any minute with a get away car so they can grab the safe they came to steal and skedaddle.

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This is pretty much what I felt like while watching this movie except in my fantasy I’m holding the gun.

If Susan had just stayed in her room and not interfered, they would been left alone. Now they both gotta die, though Len seems reluctant about murder. Gigi is rather eager to start shooting people. Must be the hormones. But for now they just tie Susan and David up and while they’re off doing god knows what, the love birds escape with a lot of slo-mo finger shushing and ‘hurry the fuck up’ gesturing from Susan.

Unfortunately, David grabbed the wrong keys and he and Susan argue (again) and they’re caught. David suddenly channels Chuck Norris and gets the gun from Len and they tie HIM up. While David goes to look for Gigi, leaving Susan with the gun, she and Len bond. Apparently peeing in the corner (because she couldn’t leave Len alone) is the universal signal of ‘we’re really all the same on the inside’.

An hour later Gigi shows up with her gun on David (geez, dude, she’s like 8 months pregnant and she STILL got the drop on you). Again, Susan and David are captured and again they continue to fight and point fingers. It’s the perfect time for David to propose. Yeah, you can probably guess it doesn’t end well.

(At this point in the film I just wanted everyone to die because every character, with the exception of Len, seriously pissed me off to no end with their arguments and stupidity and the fact each couldn’t get out of his/her own way).

I can’t really describe the rest of the film because there is a bit of action near the end and a lot of important stuff happens. Well, it seems important because you probably haven’t watched the film yet but personally I couldn’t care less.

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And then she said, “But the horse doesn’t even like carrots!” Ha, ha, ha. Isn’t that droll?

There is nothing new or original about this film. It touts influences of the noir/comic genres but it feels just like every other thriller/cat & mouse film. Susan and David are unsympathetic characters. She’s aggressive in her fights with David and he’s very lackadaisical. Until it’s time for him to be on the receiving end of some bad news and then he just harps and harps on it, running his mother fucking mouth when he should just shut the hell up. He’s also pretty stupid for a lawyer. He believes Gigi won’t kill them because she’s pregnant and they only have $200 which isn’t a logical reason to kill them. What is he, fucking Spock now?

Len, Gigi, Tommy and Mo are not frightening whatsoever. In fact, I thought Len was adorable by the end. He started out very intense, holding direct eye contact longer that what would be comfortable. And you know immediately he’s hiding something behind his smile (he reminded me a lot of Elias Koteas, whom I love). He does do Susan and David a solid by not killing them but otherwise he’s more like a giant Ewok with a potty mouth.

There’s supposed to be a lot of tension throughout the film, what with all the secrets and fighting and attempted escapes and power struggles blah blah blah. The acting/story should have been able to create that on its own but the ambient noise was overwhelming at the moments the tension was building. It was extremely distracting and sometimes made it difficult to hear the dialogue. [Definition of ambient, btw: music intended to serve as an unobtrusive accompaniment to other activities (as in a public place) and characterized especially by quiet and repetitive instrumental melodies.]

Oh, and the big plot twist at the end? Yeah, this is my OTHER shocked face. I have to say the final carnage was more than I expected, though. These film makers crossed a bit of a line at the end but I can’t say it was integral to the story. Seemed a bit like “hey, this would be really over the top so let’s set it up for the special effects makeup to really shine”. You’ll know what I mean if you watch it.

But my recommendation is to skip it. Unoriginal, boring, and irritating.

1 Hatchet for Len (out of 5)

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