Cockneys Vs. Zombies (2012) Review


The hubs and I wanted to spend some quality time together last week. He’s been nursing a broken bone and work always has him stressed. So we did what any normal couple would do – we vegged out on the couch and watched some HILARIOUS British horror.

Cockneys Vs. Zombies is a brilliant little gem from the UK. A group of young inept hooligans plan to rob a local bank. Not because they’re wankers but because brothers Andy and Terry, along with their cousin, Katy, want to help their granddad. You see, his retirement home is being bull dozed in a week and he’ll have to move way the hell up north to live, along with all the other residents. And that just sucks. So they need the cash to buy a place for them all to live in town.

But lucky for them all (and by lucky I mean terrifyingly horrible) the construction company doing the tear down discovers a long buried crypt where they plan to build some new high rise shite. And, stereotypically, the two dumbest twats on the crew discover it, break inside, and unleash the undead upon the world. We don’t know why there are zombies in the crypt but honestly, who fucking cares?

When the kids escape the bank, they discover the world has gone to the zombies so they must race to the old folks’ home to rescue their granddad and his friends.

Does it smell like I stepped in dog poop?

This was actually a more fun ride that I thought it was going to be. The story is a bit unoriginal. It has some of the Shaun of the Dead elements to it (like the radio is talking about the strange occurrences but no one is listening; buildings in the distance are smoking and burning but again, no one is paying attention). The pacing is also really slow but once the story comes to a head, it moves rather quickly.

But we’re not watching it for that. We’re watching it because the characters are so engaging and loveable. Except for the crazy psycho, aptly named Mental Mickey, and perhaps the doughy kid, Davey. Andy and Terry are total screw ups but you just keep rooting for them to get something right! Their granddad is always yelling at them (he’s the one that raised them after the boys’ parents were killed in a police raid – don’t worry, it’s a lot funnier than it sounds) so he finally gets a chance to be proud.

The granddad, Ray, is hysterical. An ex-military tough who just can’t sit back and be a nice old man. The other residents of the home are lovely senior citizens that really get the chance to shine and let the world know that just because they’re old doesn’t mean they are useless. And KUDOS to whomever cast Honor Blackman as Peggy (yes, Pussy Galore from Goldfinger), fellow senior and love interest to Ray.

cockneys 2
I could be YOUR Pussy Galore, Ray.

My favorite was Hamish (Richard Briers). Not only is a peeping Tom and talks dirty to the resident nurse, he’s probably got some of the best dialogue and scenes in the film.

A lot of the kills are glorious. The (mostly) practical effects were such a delight to see. Though a bit slow, like I said, and aside from some silliness that detracted a little from the fun, this was an enjoyable film. Go find it if you can!

7.5 Hatchets (out of 10)

About the Author

Peggy Christie has been writing horror fiction since 1999. Her work has appeared in several websites, magazines, and anthologies, including Necrotic Tissue, Code Z: An Undead Hospital Anthology, Black Ink Horror, Elements of Horror, and Vicious Verses and Reanimated Rhymes. Her short story, “Why Be Normal?”, opened the anthology Reckless Abandon from Catalyst Press which premiered at the Horrorfind Convention in 2002. Her collection, Hell Hath No Fury, was published by Hazardous Press in May of 2013. Peggy is also the Secretary of the Great Lakes Association of Horror Writers. She even has her own webpage. Check it out at

Peggy loves Korean dramas, survival horror video games, and chocolate (not necessarily in that order) and lives in Michigan with her husband and their two dogs, Roscoe P. Coltrane and Dozer.

11 thoughts on “Cockneys Vs. Zombies (2012) Review

  1. My mom recalls having seen “Goldfinger” in the theater. There was a prudish girl in the theater. When Pussy Galore introduced herself, my mom looked at the prudish girl to marvel at the latter’s horrified look.

    Good times.

  2. This movie has been playing on Showtime, lately. I loved it even though I kept comparing it to Shaun of the Dead. It’s a worthy successor.
    Thanks for this review. Now I can mark it off my list of films to be reviewed, as this is spot on.

  3. Really fun little British horror comedy. Quite the cast of UK TV and movies favorites. Who would have put money on Richard Briers going from the most gentle of 80s sitcoms, the (cough) classic Ever Decreasing Circles, to the splattery laughs of Cockneys vs. Zombies?

  4. the zombie fight scene between west ham and millwall fans to ‘I predict a riot’ is one of the funniest things I have ever seen on film. Comedy gold!

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